Fear

I wrote the following a while back, questioning how I understand fear. I do not feel as though I have presented an airtight thought or one that is completely correct doctrinally.  But I do think the way we fear is not always correct, and I hope this raises a few questions.

Fear is an interesting thing. It definitely is not something that we want to live in constantly, because fear comes from our sinful nature and is a result of the world around us.

I particularly find comfort in 1 John 4.18 where we are told: (I start at verse 16b)

"God is love.  Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.  In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will confidence on the Day of Judgment, because in this world we are like him.  There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

I interpret this to mean that God made us with fear when it says, "The one who fears is not made perfect".  But the best part is the addition of, "in love", because it shows just how much God loves us.  If God hadn't created us without any fear, what would stop us from living a life for ourselves?  Why would we ever think about God?

Without fear, there is no need for salvation by human reasoning.  Christ would've come to deaf ears and blinded eyes.  Without fear, we have no order.  Laws would be broken, lives would be shattered, and we would have no reason to care. I would dare say that fear, and our instinctual understanding of it, is where our conscience comes from.  Why would we have a conscience if we had nothing to fear?  Without fear we would be depraved in a totality beyond comprehension.

As we learn in James, demons have fear:

"You believe that there is one God.  Good!  Even the demons believe that - and shudder"

We know that Satan is also a demon, so logically, he also has fear.  If Satan can be so depraved and reckless, with fear, what would a creation look like without fear?  This thought is frightening as best!

Fear truly is a gift of God which keeps us thinking of His will during times of struggle or temptation.  He gave it to us out of love and it is something I am inclined to cling to.

One dialogue that people often remember from the C.S. Lewis’ work, "The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe" is when Lucy asks, "Is he... safe?" and Mr. Beaver responds, "safe?  Of course he isn't safe!  But... he is good.”  Lucy asks this question wondering if she is to fear Aslan or not.  The answer, of course!  But, he's good.  This is the same thing with God.  We should shake in our skin every time we consider disobeying one of God's commands.  I think we forget what God is!  And yet, there is nothing better to describe Him than the word, God!  It is humbling to consider His even the words that we describe Him with.  A proper understanding would instill such a mind paralyzing fear -beyond understanding - and yet, somehow it doesn't.  Our lack of fear is disturbing.

By definition, I must believe that fear was in perfection before the fall.  The only thing to fear was a pure, holy and perfect God, and what a wonderful fear to have.  It would drive us to worship Him, even if we were perfect, because He is still the ruler of all.

What we experience today and our understanding of fear is not good though.  I don't know that it is actually fear, but more of a gross perversion of what God intended which doesn't deserve the same word.  Unfortunately, my brain fails to bring up a more fitting term.  What we see today is people ultimately afraid of themselves.  The fear to love, work, play because they are afraid it will not benefit themselves. They fear to fear God (or, following God) because it would harm their own person. This fear and self worship is magnified by the money-driven world we live in.  It is exploited with pathetic horror movies and twisted so that we fear living without amenities.  This type of fear is wrong, and depressing.

Going back to First John, we see read that "Perfect love drives out fear." So why fear still a good thing - because, as humans, we are incapable of perfect love.  There will always be an element of fear in us, until we are made perfect, through Christ.  God does not, and cannot fear, because He is good and He is perfect love.

Changing

Why does it take so long and why is it so frustrating?

We are Christians; does our joy not come from doing right?  Can we not see how miserable the things of this world make us?  We bubble with the excitement of the possibility of fun, all the while brooding in our sin and becoming more and more depressed.  How can evil have such a hold on our hearts?

Get away from us Satan!  You cursed spirit!  You have no power, you have been made to bow, and you will bow before the Messiah.  Damn you and our sinful nature.  May their wills never come to pass!  God forgive us and help transform our hearts to your will obediently and with insurmountable joy!  Tune our hearts to sing your grace, proclaim your wisdom and celebrate in your glory!

 How can we feel such excitement about that which we know is evil?  Why can we not see how depressed we become even looking towards evil and how does the excitement continue? 

Empower us Lord, we do the things we do not want to do!  Grant us the strength to serve you today, the wisdom to discern right from wrong and the willingness to obey you.  We know what your will is, but we hate the way it challenges ours.  Change our desires Lord, they are ruining us!

God, I need to be encouraging to others.  I don’t know what that looks like.  I’ve never been encouraged, only affirmed.  Now, I do not even affirm!  I know it is necessary Lord, help me change.  Don’t let me become so sickened by sin that I despise the joy of overcoming it!   Bless my efforts at trying to understand encouragement and help me to remember my own sins.

I often want to avoid issues that I know I am sin in, despite the pain and depression that the sin causes; I have no desire to deal with it.  How often do I see this happening in other people, yet fail to minister them appropriately?  On that note, what is appropriate?  What finally causes that change apart from Christ granting the grace to see our sin and depression?

The chasm between our will and God’s perfection is so vast and great; I am in awe that He could love such a wretched people.  I can’t stop wondering why our praise to Him is not bursting out at every chance.  Would it be so wrong and harmful to shout in acclamation?  Why are we subdued about everything related to Christ?

Let’s praise God for His deliverance!  Let’s thank Him for His blessings!  Every good thing comes from Him!  Let all of nature, the rocks and streams, mountains and valleys sing! 

God grant us the strength to worship you and do what is right!  Help us take joy in the realization of your grace and love.  I despise the shame I feel of being in your presence, it can only be natural that anything apart from you would be shamed!  You alone are Holy!  What is anything that you are mindful of it?  Nothing compares to you!

God, forgive us

We have not known Thee as we ought,

Nor learned Thy wisdom, grace and power;

The things of earth have filled our thought,

And trifles of the passing hour.

Lord, give us light Thy truth to see,

And make us wise in knowing Thee.

Lord I know there is nothing else that can satisfy me, please keep my life simple and clear.  My life is incomplete without learning about you.  I want to know your wisdom, understand your grace and marvel at your power.  Make everything outside your will disappear, I beg you, I want to love you.  Help me live to love you.

We have not feared Thee as we ought,

Nor bowed beneath Thine awful eye,

Nor guarded deed and word and thought,

Remembering that God was nigh.

Lord, give us faith to know Thee near,

And grant the grace of holy fear.

God make me whole.  I’m rash, proud and rude; please, keep me from myself.  I want to glorify you, help me fear your law, make me aware of your presence.  Grant me the desire to know your sovereign will and revel in it.

We have not loved Thee as we ought,

Nor cared that we are loved by Thee;

Thy presence we have coldly sought,

And feebly longed Thy face to see.

Lord, give a pure and loving heart

To feel and know the love Thou art.

My heart longs other things; I don’t try to love you.  I make no effort, yet your grace abounds.   Only your glory is satisfying, encourage me to strive for you.   I want to ache for you even when I’m not meditating or praying.

We have not served Thee as we ought,

Alas, the duties left undone,

The work with little fervor wrought,

The battles lost of scarcely won!

Lord, give the zeal, and give the might,

For Thee to toil, for Thee to fight.

I serve myself and forget your law.  I fail your people and hate them.  I don’t know how to love, change my heart.  Give me passion and help me forget myself.  I want to live for you.

When shall we know Thee as we ought,

And fear and love and serve aright?

When shall we, out of trial brought,

Be perfect in the land of light?

Lord, may we day by day prepare

To see Thy face and serve Thee there.

When will I love you when times are good?  Why can’t I love without suffering?  Make me pure and give me grace.  Mold my heart and change my song I want to praise you and be made whole.

Who are we?

“Where were you when the foundation of the earth was laid? Who determined its measurements—surely you know! Or who stretched the line upon it? On what were its bases sunk, or who laid its cornerstone, when the morning stars sang together and all the sons of God shouted for joy?

Or who shut in the sea with doors when it burst out from the womb, when He made clouds its garment and thick darkness its swaddling band?

Have you commanded the morning since your days began, and caused the dawn to know its place?  Have you entered into the springs of the sea, or walked in the recesses of the deep? Have the gates of death been revealed to you, or have you seen the gates of deep darkness? Declare, if you know all this.

Where is the way to the dwelling of light, and where is the place of darkness, that you may take it to its territory and that you may discern the paths to its home?
Who has cleft a channel for the torrents of rain and a way for the thunderbolt, to bring rain on a land where no man is, on the desert in which there is no man, to satisfy the waste and desolate land, and to make the ground sprout with grass?

Do you know the ordinances of the heavens? Can you establish their rule on the earth? Can you lift up your voice to the clouds, that a flood of waters may cover you? Who has put wisdom in the inward parts or given understanding to the mind? Can you hunt the prey for the lion, or satisfy the appetite of the young lions, when they crouch in their dens or lie in wait in their thicket? Who provides for the raven its prey, when its young ones cry to God for help, and wander about for lack of food?

Will you even put God in the wrong? Will you condemn Him that you may be in the right?
Have you an arm like God, and can you thunder with a voice like his?

Adorn yourself with majesty and dignity; clothe yourself with glory and splendor. Pour out the overflowing of your anger, and look on everyone who is proud and abase him.  Look on everyone who is proud and bring him low and tread down the wicked where they stand.  Hide them all in the dust together; bind their faces in the world below. Then will He also acknowledge to you that your own right hand can save you.”

Who am I to judge the Perfect One who lowered Himself to death on a Cross for my sins?  Who am I to worry, to be busy, to want, to request or to demand?  Who am I to think I can hide, be alone, celebrate my independence and righteousness, or refuse God?  Who am I to hate His people, being too busy to think, care or talk to them?  Who am I to tell Him his commandments are too hard, not enjoyable, burdensome or constricting? Who am I to think that I can hide my idols from him?

Am I the only one who struggles?  If not, why is there no one else that will talk about it?  I am continually shamed by my incessant pride and stubbornness, and He is my only comfort.  Is there no one else who can understand my joy; no one else I can talk to?  Is it so tiring and difficult for us to love the process of sanctification and share in the joy of the work Christ is doing through the Holy Spirit in us?  I am tired and beaten down from the pain of my body, constantly reminded of the work He finished.  Can no one else understand the pain is not a burden but rather a chance to understand and rejoice in my Salvation?  Am I really alone?  Why can’t we understand the freedom we have in Him?  Why do we avoid the pain and hurt, allowing it to trap us? 

We’re loved.  Not by each other, but by Him.  Be free!

Spiritual Autobiography

To all:  I know this is slightly long and therefore may be a tedious read.  I hope you'll have the patience however to take the time to read this.  This is a rough draft of an assignment, but I realize not everyone knows or understands me.  I think and hope this will explain where I come from and how I look at so many issues.  I pray fervantly that nothing is more evident than the power and importance of the gospel in my life.  I am nothing without it.

“To live is Christ, to die is gain.”

My justification and God’s continuing work of sanctification in my life is incomprehensible and misunderstood.  It is so scandalous, perplexing and overwhelming that I cry out and grow weary from the onslaught of emotions it evicts.  I wonder if anyone can understand how dirty, reprehensible and loathing I have been, and am.  His grace cannot be fathomed.

I grew up in the Christian Reformed Church and attending Christian Schools all of my life.  I grew up learning all of the Creeds and Catechisms a church can possibly teach.  I spent my time playing sports and going to church.  I never rebelled really, instead I did something worse.  I enjoyed my pride.  I fed it, strengthened it and allowed it to become my identity.  While I enjoyed the thought of the church, I really loved and worshipped myself.

Growing up with strong Christian influences, I was taught about subjecting myself to authority and trying to understand the reason why things were done the way they were.   I learned the value of finding great Christian men and subjecting myself to them, trying to learn and mature as much as possible.  Looking back on it now, I think I did that more so that I could better myself and feed my pride, but at the time I certainly would have claimed it to be spiritual growth.

Fortunately, God blessed be with the shock of a few friends dying in middle school and high school, keeping me focused on things other than sex and alcohol.  I poured my life into computers and sports, trying to make myself intellectually and physically better than anyone else I knew.  It was all under the guise of spiritual maturity, but the focus was my own pride. 

In March of my Senior year in high school I joined the Marine Corps.  It was an easy decision really.  I went to each of the recruiters after a schooling option fell through and I was looking for other ways to pay for college.  The Army was first; they offered me $10,000 to sign up.  The Navy was a bit softer; only $5000.  Of course, the Air Force had all kinds of nerdy jobs and big money, but didn’t capture my interest too much.  I walked into the Marine Corps’ office and the Staff Sergeant looked up from his desk.  A short pause and sneer brought out the words, “Boy, you’re too damn skinny to be a Marine.  Get the fuck out of my office.”  My ego had been tested.  After praying and talking to some Godly men and asking them to do the same, I came to the conclusion that God wanted me in the Marines.  I may not have been spiritually mature or intelligent at that point, but God was abundantly clear, the Marine Corps was it for me; the college degree I was so desperate for had to wait. That October I left for Boot Camp and ended up stationed at Camp Pendleton, CA in April of 2004.   In August I deployed to Al Taqaddum, Iraq with a Management Unit.  My unit oversaw the takeover of Fallujah in Operation Phantom Fury, mounting a takeover of the most hostile area in the world in under a week with casualties that were less than 5% of what we expected.

Throughout the deployment I felt challenged, and closer to God.  The Old Testament came alive to me, and death started to make sense.  The resurrection became my only comfort.  I learned what it meant to love my enemies.  My soul ached for those who I knew hated the Messiah.  I wept daily for them pleading for their repentance and forgiveness knowing they were cursing me.  I was alone, I knew no other Christian, but Scripture was alive.  This was the beginning of my Spiritual maturing.  God allowed me to excel in many areas prior to this point, but I never wanted to mature until then.  Despite the desire, I didn’t exactly succeed in maturing.  Unfortunately, my work received high praise from my superiors, culminating in high marks, and letters of recommendations, awards and promotion.  My responsibility grew daily, but not as quickly as my pride - which was already nearing a bursting point. 

“What is your only comfort in life and in death?”

I returned from Iraq and was shocked by America.  It was incredibly overwhelming.  I suffered from headaches because of the mass of colors, was jumpy at every car that passed, and hated being safe.  I reviled the ease of life and was desperate for a challenge.  I wanted to prove myself, be more successful than anyone else.  I had my life planned out; I went to and was involved in a good church, had nice cars, bought my own condo.   I was busy, had a great career in the military figured out, traveled the world, and was strong.  I was confident in Christ, blessed with everything a man could want (besides a wife!), and life looked good.  I was offered the opportunity to become an officer through a program called MECEP, and declined, asking to be deployed one more time.  I was granted my request and eagerly looked forward to another deployment.

About a month later, my dreams started (you can read about that here).  I was plagued by PTSD and convinced I was going to die.  I tried to separate myself from my friends, refusing to admit my fears, my struggles, and pain to those who loved me.  I hated them for wanting to love me, for bringing up the pain, and tried to hide.  I was too strong, too independent and too prideful to want them in my life.  I hated the way they always wanted to love me; I just wanted to be alone.  The way they asked me questions and wanted to know things; it was none of their business.   The way they wanted to take care of me; was there any reason why I couldn’t do it myself?  My flashbacks became as real as life; I couldn’t tell the difference.  I stopped sleeping and focused even more on myself.  I didn’t need anyone.  I needed my mind.

Months of that culminated in a breakdown in front of one of the elders at Kaleo Church.  All I wanted was prayer.  Instead, I got rebuked.  I got called to repentance.  I was told to let others love me, let them into my life.  I was reminded that not everything was peaches and iced tea, love is a discipline, it’s not always fun.  It hurts sometimes, but it’s good.  I was reminded that my identity was not in my comfort or my mind, it was in Christ.  My hope is unchanging and mighty. 

In December of 2005 I ruptured discs in my lower back, severing part of my sciatic nerve and finding myself unable to walk.  The pain was like nothing I’d ever felt or experienced before.  It was embarrassing, shameful and wrong.  I was a Marine.  I was too good for pain, too strong, too prideful.  How could a small injury, something others couldn’t even see, break me?  It wasn’t even visible!  And I returned to my pride; I didn’t need anyone, I needed my body. 

I was constantly reminded of the pain, attempting to hide it, insisting I was ok and losing more sleep every night.  I couldn’t take enough drugs; I just wanted to mask the pain.  I was a failure at work, no longer able to lead my Marines in any of the physical training that was central to their lives.  I was useless around my friends, no longer able to help with everyday tasks or play sports with them.  But I was reminded of the Gospel once again by my friends.  My pride and independence were not going to be enough this time, my identity needed to be in Christ.

I gave up trying to hide things from others.  It started to no longer matter what people knew about me.  I was weak, I was broken, and I did suffer.  But I had Christ!  I was free in Him!  I had friends that didn’t know or understand the pain I was in, but they empathized as best they could and they made it abundantly clear that they loved me despite the way I treated them.  My selfishness and desire to be alone was no match for the love of Christ. 

I was baptized in January of 2006, in the chilling waters of Mission Bay in San Diego.  As the water chilled my back sending unquenchable pain throughout my body I was reminded of the Messiah’s separation from the Father, and His scandalous suffering.  Why was I so blessed, and why can’t everyone experience the same joy as I did at that moment?  God’s reminders are endless.

Unfortunately, so was my pride.  In 2007 I discovered my identity had been stolen, and I was in debt a large sum of money.  I never realized how much of my identity was in my wealth and the life I had set up.  To make matters worse, not only was the debt large, it was large enough to downgrade my security clearance, causing me to lose a very high paying part-time job I was considering making full time.  I was bombarded by people telling me I had no idea what I was doing – I didn’t!  The realization hurt all the more and I wanted to be alone once again.  I didn’t need anyone, I needed my wealth.

My desperation for solitude was interrupted by the friends who had become closer than family to me.  My brothers and sisters in Christ taught me what community is and the necessity of it.  It was not comfortable or easy finding my identity in Christ rather than my own strength to deal with things, but God blessed me with friends who encouraged and loved me through everything.  I began to understand that my purpose isn’t to glorify myself, it is to glorify God.

"In Christ Alone"

I still struggle every day.  My PTSD comes and goes, but I am no longer ruled by it.  Instead, it points me to Christ, as everything should.  I don’t usually sleep well because of it, but it reminds me of my friends and family that love me.  I remember how desperate I am for the glory of God and wish to share that joy with others.  The PTSD is not a good thing, but God works it for good and I praise Him for it.  My back pain ebbs and flows, but I am the better for it.  I am reminded of my sin and rebellion against God.  Communion with my Savior without my pride brings tears of joy every week.  It is not fair that I am so fortunate.  My wallet is not fat, and I cannot find comfort in riches.  Only fools can find hope in their wealth, status and power. 

I’ve been made free in Christ.  He is my only comfort in life and in death and I hope that I am given a long life so I can proclaim it to all.  I thought I needed my mind, my body and my wealth.  I needed a Savior.  I needed a community that could preach Christ to me.  I needed to be free, and that’s what He did for me.  I still suffer, mildly (just as everyone else does), but it is a reminder that I don’t need my pride, I need Jesus.  Apart from Christ I am a sinner, wrecked and ruined, but He has given me the strength to do all things.  I desperately hope and plead that He uses me to spread the Gospel and that I wed my will to His.  I have lost my wealth, lost my body, and lost my mind.  To God be the glory! Trials have come, and at the worst of it all, when I could not fathom it any worse I realized:

It is well!

Prayer

“The courage actually to go and pray for a person is a sign of sufficient faith.  Frequently our lack is not faith but compassion… it seems that genuine empathy between the pray-er and pray-ee often makes the difference… We do not pray for people as ‘things,’ but as ‘persons’ whom we love.  If we have God-given compassion and concern for others, our faith will grow and strengthen as we pray.  In fact, if we genuinely love people, we desire for them far more than it is within our power to give, and that will cause us to pray.

“We must never wait until we feel like praying before we pray for others… we need not worry that this work will take up too much of our time, for ‘it takes no time, but it occupies all our time…’ Prayer and action should become wedded.”

-          Celebrations of Discipline, Chapter 4

 Richard Foster

 

I have been invited to participate in a project at Seattle Pacific University called Sharpen.  It is aimed at promoting community at the university and its surrounding area.  It has been fun considering what it would look like to be committed with a group of guys at promoting community.  Reading through this chapter on prayer I was stuck by Foster’s statement that “Frequently, our lack is not faith, but compassion.” 

How often do we say we love someone but lack the compassion to even pray for them?  I know in my own life I frequently forget to show people love and compassion as completely as scripture instructs us to.  It is difficult to love when the person you love does not show love or interest in return.  Yet that is part of living in community.  We are to show love and compassion to those around us regardless.  We must show them compassion; compassion enough to pray for them.  Community isn’t trying to find people who enjoy the same things we do but instead about how we show others love.  We shouldn’t be focused on how others can serve us but how we can serve others.  When we are focused on serving others just as Christ has served us, which is when we will be satisfied.  Without the focus and care for others, we will be unable to feel the empathy that is so desperately needed in prayer. 

Too often when we pray, we forget to try and empathize with the people we’re praying for and we miss the point.  Praying in this way causes us to naturally treat them as things rather than persons, immediately separating ourselves from them.

Prayer is certainly vital to any Christian community.  As much as I love scripture, others and the Lord; prayer is often what I gloss over and how I fail others the most.  Interestingly enough, I am never more inclined to pray than when my compassion for others drives me to my knees.   Sadly, I fear my compassion and the impact others have on me is not always evident.  A trait I clearly picked up from my father, I see myself time and time again failing to make it clear to those around me just how much I love them and think about them.   I hope that through the Sharpen Ministry I become more inclined to pray regularly and that my compassion and empathy for those around me is clear.

Walking in the Light

One of the greatest debates in our churches today is the morality of homosexuality and how the church should treat sexual deviancy.  Unfortunately, for all the arguments the advocacies of acceptance put forward, scripture is clear that homosexuality is a sin:

“Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God?  Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.  That is what some of you were.  But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.”

-          1 corinthians 6.9-11

There can be no question about something stated so clearly.  Homosexuality is just like any other sin – it seems to be overwhelming and is so enjoyable at the moment, that we look for ways to justify it.  There is no denying that sin is instantaneously satisfying; why else would we do it?

Scripture is also abundantly clear that Christians do not deny their sin.  This is why I cautiously (cautious because it must be down in love, not hate) applaud those churches that condemn those who claim to be homosexual Christians.  There is no such thing as a Christian prostitute, or a Christian drunkard.  If we are in Christ we desire to change!

This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all.  If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth.  But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin.  If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.  If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.  If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.

-          1 john 1.5 – 10

If we do not recognize our sins as sins, then we are not Christians.  We cannot make excuses, trying to tailor scriptures to meet our idols.  Those who claim to be homosexual and Christian are missing the point.  It is understandable to struggle with homosexual desires, just as every Christian struggles with adultery, greed and lying but to excuse it and make it a primary part of one’s identity is sinful and is outside of the Christ.    To claim that both the perfection of our God and any sort of sexual deviance can and do coincide is blasphemous.

That said, those who struggle with homosexuality are just like every other Christian.  We all struggle with sin, and those who struggle with those desires are no different than myself.  I struggle with my own pride, hate, lust and laziness.  If I ever insist that I can live with those things, celebrating them as part of my identity and the way God made me, then I am making our God out to be a liar as well.

Dreams of Death

It is my eager expectation and hope that Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.

The last four years have forced me to think and reflect on death and what it means in ways most people will never realize.  It caused an enormous shift in my view and understanding of Christ, the resurrection, and just how sovereign our Lord is.

The old challenge is to ask what your life would be if you died tomorrow, or next week.  I wonder though, how often have you thought about the reality of death?

It was innocent enough at first, a nightmare at the end of a long day.  I don’t remember when it started, just that I was particularly alone that previous day.  That night was the first, but not the last, that I dreamt it.

It was a convoy like any other long, slow and tedious.  They’re fun at first.  But after a few there’s a certain amount of extreme dread and backwards excitement to it all that gets boring.  Not enough action and you lose your edge, to much and you lose your nerve.  Death is always one breath away.

Someone spotted a suspicious bomb, prompting a sudden halt to the convoy, and security was set up.  I fanned out to my position, as I had practiced countless times before.  Small arms fire was exchanged briefly, but quickly met with the interrupted arrhythmic fire of dying hand on an AK-47.  The silent vigilance lasts forever.

Mount her! The commander finally yells, and we rise to join the convoy and head out.  I place my left hand down to push myself up from the prone position I dove into.  As my hand leaves the ground I hear a threatening clink.  My eyes race down as the mine races up.  An air burst mine, it rises 6 feet up and detonates.  I leave my body.  It’s not mine anymore.  It’s just a body.  It explodes, almost in synchronization with the mine.  I watch in horror for what seemed like days as my body exploded in slow motion. 

And I woke up.

It didn’t bother me too much; I’d watched similar things during my first deployment and just figured it was a memory.  But then it came back the next night.  And the next.  And it continued for a month becoming not just a dream, but a hallucination.  I would day dream, physically feeling the pain of every bone being shattered, aching inside and then waking up or snapping out of the dream unaware of where I was or what I was doing.  My heart would be racing and I would often have bloody noses or blood in my mouth.

I was convinced this was how God was going to end my life.  I believed it was just a matter of time.  I wanted so desperately to just end my life then and there, but didn’t want someone else to suffer in the same way, so I continued on.  But I didn’t live for Christ in any way those months, I merely lived to die.

I spent all of my time engrossed with work, working out, and living for myself. I avoided friends and family, insisting (and believing) that I was happier alone.

Thankfully, surrounded by Godly men and true friends, I wasn't alone and they confronted me with the gospel and laid the importance of community on me. I've never felt so weak or ashamed as those days when I realized what a poor friend I was to them, and I praise God that He has taken care of me so well. This is why community is so important to me, and why I struggle to understand the reluctance by so many Christians, particularly college students, to place community in high regard. Without those strong relationships and the desire my friends had for me, I can't imagine the state of depression I would be in. I continue to dream the same dream on a daily basis, but thanks to those who know and love me most care enough to seek me out, I am constantly reminded of the gospel and God's perfect will. It is well, with my soul.

Take your sorry...

The Spiritual Classics has an interesting exercise at the end of John Wesley’s musings about sin and the new birth.  The book invites the reader to review their recent actions and seek forgiveness and make amends for any wrongdoings.  We’re bound to commit sins against one another.  It is our nature to sin and it is inevitable.  How we deal with it and how we love is another matter entirely.  John Wesley writes,

 “There is no condemnation for any inward sin still remaining in those who ‘walk by the Sprit.’ Even though sin may seem to cling tenaciously to everything we do, we are not guilty as long as we do not give way to it.”

As Christians we can rejoice in the freedom we have through Christ.  Through this freedom we can find comfort and solace from the ways we offend one another.  The key to this is rejoicing in that forgiveness and freedom from the slavery of sin rather than continually focusing on the offenses.  As followers of the Savior, we should strive to not only treat others with the love and respect that they inherently merit as image bearers of the one true God, but we should right our wrongs.

I was a member of a church down in San Diego called Kaleo.  It was a wonderful church led by godly men and wonderful examples.  One of the greatest lessons I learned was the difference between apologizing and repentance.  Too often we enjoy apologizing when we sin against one another.  The word sorry is not a word of remorse but a demand for forgiveness.  It does not carry with it a confession, but rather an expectation that nothing else will be asked.  Sorry no longer carries any indication of sorrow, as it should.

What the men taught me was repentance.  They taught me that even the godliest of men, were men; prone to sin and folly of all kinds.  They didn’t expect forgiveness; they sought it through confession and repentance.  After discussing their sins and going through great pain to recognize their guilt and admit what areas of their life required change and prayer, they would ask for forgiveness without any expectation that it would be given.  It was a beautiful example of what living the gospel looks like, their identity wasn’t found in themselves, but in Christ.  Their pride was in the Gospel, not in themselves, and through their desire to see Christ glorified they announced their sin freely and without shame.  Forgiveness was not theirs to demand, but a gift of grace and something they truly cherished.

I miss that in Christians now.

The lack of concern and understanding of forgiveness as a gift is disconcerting and worrisome to me.  I do not know what to make of it, and fear growing lax in repentance and not concerning myself with the furtherance of the Gospel.

It is important that Christians realize there is no shame to be felt.  We are free from all condemnation!  If the Almighty is for us how can we be shamed?  If we are repentant and desiring Him, then He will be glorified!  As Christians, isn’t that what we desire?  Isn’t that what will make us happy?  Let's stop being sorry and start repenting.

 

Community

I feel as though one of the greatest things Christians lack is community.  Perhaps the individualism does come from our culture, or the way we are, but I seriously doubt it.  In my experience, it comes from our own sinful Pride.  I don’t feel comfortable sharing my faults, or sins, so why would I want to actually be in any meaningful relationship?  Repentance is difficult, and reconciliation can be awkward; and both are certainly damaging to my pride!

Coming to college has been an eye opening experience and I’ve struggled to understand and comprehend the differences between the life I’ve lived and the ways I see people living.  I have difficulty with the devotion and loyalty people have to one another, the seeming lack of importance placed on community and the shallowness of people in general. 

Despite living that way myself just a few years ago (perhaps I continue to today), I find myself unable to articulate why it is so egregious, and my efforts to encourage even my best of friends has failed with harsh consequences.  It pains me to see them live their life unable to rejoice, suffer and worship with those they love. 

Why do Christians object so strongly to love?  What is it we don’t understand?

My goal over the next few weeks is to try and understand a few things:

1.       What does it look like to love?  Because I feel as though Christians have such a misunderstanding of what love looks like, I’m afraid this will turn out to be more of a list of ‘love is not’ rather than ‘love is’ – but I hope that it comes out through love and concern rather than disappointment and condemnation.

2.       How should we love?  Similar to the above question, but more ideological than practical.  It’s important that Christians strive for perfection, even though we know it to be impossible.

3.       Why should we love and be involved in the community around us?  I desire for this to be filled with scripture, as I believe it is abundantly clear as to why.  Unfortunately, Christians frequently find themselves not giving credence to the importance the Bible puts on community.

As Christians we must strive to better understand and live out the gospel, and the primary way this is done is through love.  You’ve heard it said that God is love, so why do Christians not want to live the same way?  If everything we do is for the Glory of God, then why do we have such a proclivity against love and relationships?

One of my favorite quotes is by Saint Augustine:

“Love God, and do as you please.”

I believe that so much can be drawn from this quote and the implications are endless.  It’s not enough for us to simply think about God.  Love isn’t best when described.  Community doesn’t work with pride.  The amount that we’re involved with the community with those around us – both Christians and non-Christians – is a visible sign of our love and the desire that we have for God’s glory to rule our lives.  

Unity

The Blessedness of Unity

How very good and pleasant it is when kindred live together in unity!

It is like the precious oil on the head, running down upon the beard,

on the beard of Aaron, running down over the collar of his robes.

It is like the dew of Hermon, which falls on the mountains of Zion.

For there the Lord ordained his blessing, life forevermore.

-          psalm one thirty three

 

I really like how the psalmist rejoices in his relationships!  So often we feel burdened trying to love those around us and find it difficult.  We rarely celebrate the relationships we’re in let alone thank God for them.  We also fall short of declaring their beauty and importance.

 

gentiles hear the good news

Then Peter began to speak to the: “I truly understand that God shows no partiality, but in every nation anyone who fears him and does what is right is acceptable to him.  You know the message he sent to the people of Israel, preaching peace by Jesus Christ – He is the Lord of all.  That message spread throughout Judea, beginning in Galilee after the baptism that John announced: how God anointed Jesus of Nazareth with the Holy Spirit and with power; how he went about doing good and healing all who were oppressed by the devil, for God was with him.  We are witnesses to all that he did both in Judea and in Jerusalem.  They put him to death by hanging him on a tree, but God raised him on the third day and allowed him to appear, not to all the people but to us who were chosen by God as witnesses, and who ate and drank with him after he rose from the dead.  He commanded us to preach to the people and to testify that he is the one ordained by God as judge of the living and the dead.  All the prophets testify about him that everyone who believes in him receives forgiveness of sins through his name.”

 

The last few days I’ve been going through scriptures with a few friends and it’s amazing to me how many times the resurrection is mentioned throughout the New Testament and all of the letters to the churches.  One of our neighbors (a PA!) has been discussing with us how he is on sabbatical from church right now and how much he hates pastors who always talk about the cross and violence; proclaiming God to be a God of love.

Any person passing by our room is constantly surrounded by shouts of ‘the cross!’ or ‘the blood!’ as my roommate and I express our frustrations with Christians who are annoyed by our insistence that the death and resurrection of Jesus must be central to a Christian faith.  Isn’t it obvious? 

All of scripture points to the resurrection!   Without the resurrection our faith is meaningless!

As Paul writes, if the death, burial and resurrection are false, Christians are the ones who should be pitied the most.

Meditation

It seems to me that meditation must be a big part of a Christian’s life.  Whether we realize we are meditating or not is negligible, but it is important that we do it.  I like what Thomas Merton had to say about our state,

“If you desire intimate union with God you must be willing to pay the price for it.  The price is small enough.  In fact, it is not even a price at all: it only seems to be so with us.  We find it difficult to give up our desire for things that can never satisfy us in order to purchase the One Good in Whom is all our joy.”

It seems that too often we get frustrated with anything that bends our desires or pride in any way.  Unfortunately, God’s will is often contrary to our sinful nature. I believe this is why Paul laments that he is the chief of all sinners – the more he meditates on God, the more he realizes he is in rebellion.  It is vital to our spiritual health and general well being however, that we don’t let the discomfort of giving up our pride get in the way of the gospel!

For this reason, old hymns are one of the most meaningful things in the world to me.  I often find myself in conflict with Christian musicians and artists today because I feel it is generally too shallow.  What I love about the hymns is the general progression they take:

identifying our sinful nature and the misery that we cling to so desperately

 a cry to God to make us more holy, and to forgive us of our sins

celebration of His works, praising His name

looking forward to the things to come and all of His glory

I think they, like the Psalms and Proverbs, are extremely beneficial to meditate upon and consider:

Come, Thou Fount

Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,

Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;

Streams of mercy, never ceasing,

Call for songs of loudest praise.

Teach me some melodious sonnet,

Sung by flaming tongues above.

Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it,

Mount of Thy redeeming love.

Sorrowing I shall be in spirit,

Till released from flesh and sin,

Yet from what I do inherit,

Here Thy praises I'll begin;

Here I raise my Ebenezer;

Hither by Thy help I've come;

And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,

Safely to arrive at home.

Jesus sought me when a stranger,

Wandering from the fold of God;

He, to rescue me from danger,

Interposed His precious blood;

How His kindness yet pursues me

Mortal tongue can never tell,

Clothed in flesh, till death shall loose me

I cannot proclaim it well.

O to grace how great a debtor,

Daily I'm constrained to be!

Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,

Bind my wandering heart to Thee.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,

Prone to leave the God I love;

Here's my heart, O take and seal it,

Seal it for Thy courts above.

O that day when freed from sinning,

I shall see Thy lovely face;

Clothed then in blood washed linen

How I'll sing Thy sovereign grace;

Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,

Take my ransomed soul away;

Send thine angels now to carry

Me to realms of endless day.

Damn Bullhorns

Our Lord has a funny way of putting things in our lives.  I was driving downtown this afternoon and was around Pike Place Market trying to figure out directions with my girlfriend when all the sudden I was interrupted by a boisterous cry:

“TURN OR BURN!  YOU ARE GOING TO HELL!”

The offender was, of course, carrying a stereotypical sign with offensive slogans like, “Who Will Jesus Damn?” and “Comply or FRY!”  I found myself in the Lord’s good graces it would seem, because this week the “Christian” didn’t have his bullhorn.  Ah, Christians and their bullhorns…

I was surprised when I noticed that Philippians 2.5-11 was on the reading for today, and my mind was (naturally) forced back to sitting on the street corner listening to a supposed brother in Christ yelling, condemning and hating me.  Who do Christians think they are?

“Let the same mind be in you that was in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not regard equality with God as something to be exploited,”

In the military I struggled with the idea of killing another human, wondering why it was my responsibility to pass judgment, and it was only after countless prayers and hours meditating did I come to the understanding that that was the position God put me in.  Every time I pulled a trigger or issued a command, I felt all the weight of another life in my mind.  Men and women made in the image of God, a beautiful thing by any measure, and I was taking their glory from them.  Who was I, but appointed to struggle with their sinful, evil nature? 

It was in the struggle to understand that I realized it was the authoritative position that God put me in, and I was subject to that first. There was, and is, no pride in that.  No, it was a burden that in many ways still haunts me today.  I took, and continue to take, great comfort in the fact that it was my place to condemn them only in this world – not the next!  God places us in authority to govern wisely, and with love.  That authority is not something to be exploited, ever. 

“But emptied himself, taking the form of a slave, being born in human likeness.  And being found in human form, he humbled himself and became obedient to the point of death – even death on a cross.”

The authority we find in Christ is not something to hold over others with pride, taunting their every sin, worshipping their condemnation.  It is something to consider with the utmost humility. If the Lord humbled himself to death on a Cross, an act of love ‘so amazing, so divine’, who are Christians to think they can taunt non-believers.

It is so incredibly sickening and confusing to me that those who claim to be Christians could dwell so much on the sins of others.  It is one thing to understand God’s word and the consequences of living a life apart from the Messiah, but it is quite another to be satisfied in shouting condemnation to all people with such uncontainable glee and hate. Do they really believe their mantras?  Their smug quotes and strong voices indicate they do, but can they be filled with so much pride?  The more I read scriptures and experience trails, struggle through temptations and see the glory of God, I cannot help but feel akin to Paul as the worst sinner who has ever offered praise to Him.  Is it really possible that followers of the same Glorious King could be so perfect as to condemn all others to hell? 

It is little wonder Ghandi was so famously quoted as saying, “I would be a Christian if it weren’t for Christians.”

My prayer is that Christians everywhere humble themselves, giving the world and all its folly the same understanding that our Judge gives us.  We should be ashamed to do anything else. 

“Therefore God also highly exalted him and gave him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bend, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.”

To God be the glory, Amen.